[][] mark.
[][] 1oso6g
[][] rj photog @ flickr
[][] i've told you my birthdate, you just need to find it.


"People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character."

Had a very thought-provoking two hours of discussion after Econs remedial - yes I still failed it after a year of work, big whoop.

Intellectual discussion is good; because whatever my thoughts are they just come rolling off the top of my head so when it comes to the topics that I think about a lot I'd never run out of things to say - unless you don't feel comfortable with me saying it, of course.

It's like I'm always a disappointment to everyone that I didn't know was so disillusioned. I'm either not friendly enough or too friendly or too imposing or too isolated or too insensitive or too stoned or too screwed up. Mostly the last one, since in most cases it sums up a combination of the above. And yeah, I'm aware that "either" is only supposed to be used with two clauses but it somehow sounds better that way - well, many things sound better with "either", so I'm sticking with it and refusing to go back and correct it because it sounds okay, I suppose.

Expectations. First impressions. I think despite all the trust in each other that we'd be open to amend our first impressions of each other after we get to know each other, our first impressions still stick out the most. And they're very hard to change.

Unless.

Unless someone comes along and you really believe in that person's opinion and the opinion just happens to be something contrary to your impression of me then you're obviously going to change it.

Right?

it seems that's mostly the case, and the case being what has become of social relations these days. Reduced to lines and webs of thought processes. I mean, if you're not going to listen to me and give me a chance to show/prove/whatever myself that I'm not who you thought me out to be, then maybe things would be different.

But people are people. And people, in some cases (or one case, which comes to mind), would rather have the opinion of someone whom you believe (in?).

Then I guess it's just too bad that most people (or that person, who comes to mind - or the other person too, actually - ah well, both can go and eat my shoe) are screwed up in this particular sense.

I've been kindly given much valuable advice, and already tried - and have been trying - and will try - my best to be a nicer and happier and more approachable person. Those reminders keep coming. And I keep trying. Awesome. But if I'm not there yet, does it mean I've failed?

Main reason why I give up, on a great many things and people, is because I don't want to try anymore. It's not going to work. Impressions stick, and today's conversations have successfully, well, stuck that into my head.

There are showers to be taken, and dinners to be had. I just hope that you, the reader, in your case there would be some sense to be made.

Oh, and it's not that I'm always sad.

I'm just never happy.

Ah well, promo results came back today. Econs got bumped from 29% to 35%, so I guess I should be negligibly happy or something.  Math and Physics dropped a bit, but managed to maintain. GP epic flailed from B to E, but I heard it was a bit killer so whatever - that, or I just suck; Chem made up for it, so yea, overall grades stagnated since the common tests. Considering that I studied minimally for both major exams, I'm unreasonably satisfied.

I can't do this for 'A' Levels! I will epically fail - stuff like Econs. It really isn't undoable, since you have tons of As and Bs out there who can maintain that grade. I have much respect for them, and I can only dream of doing that well - so far, anyway. All those success stories of constant Econs failure leading up to sudden high A for levels, seems too far to reach sometimes.

Results day was a solemn day for everyone. To reflect on the year, and how much we've studied. To be honest, I'm not much. I'm a procrastinator by nature, and it's a wonder I get anything done at all. Even so, I can feel for those who have studied diligently - and much harder than I have, I might add - but have not performed up to their expectations.

Insert disclaimer here! My results are still epic flail, but always remember, there's always someone better than you to motivate you to work harder and strive to attain similar results; and someone worse than you to motivate you to work harder and avoid falling behind.

"I'm not much." Got me thinking as I was typing that.

I'm just a shadow floating around in school - trying to perform reasonably well to justify my existence at all, not even to say bothering to interact with anyone, because few people reciprocate with a remotely friendly response anyway. I've given up trying to do anything more than keep the few friends I already have. I'm not much to speak of anyway, so I don't expect anyone to bother.

All I can do now is to try and be a happier person, because if I don't view myself properly, nobody will.

Has that been the case?

I've been counting: this is the 27th day in a row that I've slept past 1am - presence of coffee is irrelevant, though the white choc ice blend was nice. I think I've fallen off my sleep-cycle.

Too long; cannot think. Class outing was lonely, but very interesting.


For you will be missed; enjoy yourself to the fullest, and all the best!

Favourite orange shoes are broken and trashed.
Feet are blistered.
Laptop battery is half-dead.
Phone battery is dead.
200 more photos to process.

But I'm happy!

Got a cool new pair of slippers from Century Square.
Very touched by 'Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs'.
Hooked on 'One Piece'.
Mantis shrimp & weaver ants.

And I had fun.

I think it's very important for everyone to find their own happiness. The only person that can make me happy is myself, and if I'm sad and emo, it's just going to affect those close to me in a big way. Even if I'm not feeling my best or just had shit happen to me over and over again, I know that there will always be people who care - even though I can count them on one hand.

So I am happy.
Thanks for the fun.

 I'm down to my last slice of mixed-berry cheesecake. Probably have to go down to the supermarket and get New York cheesecake by the end of this week, or I can't sustain my currently-failing promo mugging through the night. I guess I can manage with coffee, but I don't take very well to it - either it doesn't work at all, or I don't sleep until 5am - so I just have some on important mornings.

So many recurring themes, this journal has. I'm not sure if I should be disturbed by my incesssant rantings about thought processes, but if anything, it helps me understand human relationships better. But when it comes down to it, I hope it doesn't affect my results - though, seeing as it's a mere three weeks to promos and my unpreparedness is shocking, I think it has to some small extent.

Because in the long run, results are all that matter. Such is the state of society now, where good qualifications alone can't get you far; you need a good personality and an open mind to change, if you're going to succeed in all aspects of your life. I will certainly lose sleep over whether I have any of those.

Ah, my posts are getting shorter; should be due to my decreasing attention span (most notably on math tutorials, where the fourth question has lasted me the past three days) or lack of ideas. But seeing as I've gotten myself into so much crap recently, I shouldn't run out of things to think about. Though if I have, I know I've definitely run out of things to care about.

Can you believe it, I'm only halfway through my slice of cheesecake. Gonna eat it while I finish up the last two lines of that dumb math question.

It's true, I guess: the more we know, the uglier it gets.

Sorry for angsting at you all for the past few weeks, I really am. A lot of stuff's been happening, most of it not related to you people, but I would like to think I'm over it now, so I can concentrate on the important things, such as mugging.

Have a good night. I'm trying to.

It's all blacklight, rohypnol & smoke generators.

When I offer to help you, it's because I'm being nice, and I did, of course, appreciate your thanks back then. What I do not appreciate, however, is sliming & gossiping behind my back about things that are completely untrue, and based on unfounded speculation. You've always been very cynical and never really been very nice to me; however, I expect at least some miniscule form of gratitude for helping you with something that you're supposed to learn and do yourself. Looks like even that was too much to ask.

Moving on.

Apparently, charisma often clouds people's judgment of character. I don't think many people understand the whole idea of projecting different facades to different people - when my knowledge of someone is in stark contrast to your opinion, I won't say that one of our views is flawed, because it's always a matter of perception: what others choose to let us see, and what we choose to see in others. I strongly advise against letting the former influence the latter, because then your perceptions are merely puppeteered by how other people want you to think of them.

We just need to understand that, sometimes, it's just the objective of others to make you see differently.

Even though it's the same watermelon.

Okay, epic deja vu moment now.

I'm not even sure what's going to happen from now on. Heck, I should have taken part, then I'd know better and possibly feel some sort of happiness about it. But I didn't, and I still leave my entry form unsubmitted, with no regrets.

All I can hope for is that some people are not as perceptionally & judgmentally shallow as others. Though for a few in particular, it might already be too late.

Maybe I'm jealous, that would be your immediate response. Well, if I am, it would not be for the reasons you think of. But either way, I have no reason to feel envious for an outcome that is fundamentally unjustifiable. All that I'm disappointed in is the hierarchy that we have - how we view people by mere achievements and nothing else. I can't stop others from thinking so irrationally, yet I can't stop myself from being disappointed. Disappointed that I didn't participate, and disappointed that people get so immersed in the jubilation that they don't see past the prize, and look at things as a whole. What you'd see would be very appalling.

All the hype is going to make me feel inferior for a considerable amount of time, but I don't know how much weight I'm going to place on that. I don't even know how much weight other people are going to place on that. Especially the people that matter. Because I don't have much left to carry on for.

Despite all the setbacks I've been facing, I must be thankful for the few close friends I have. To those who have patiently withstood my mindless rants - sitting there taking everything, just to wait for me to calm down and throw everything back at me, just to show how much of a fool I am to take such undeserving situations seriously. To those whom I can have an emotional talk with, open discussions about anything we want, and laughing off any mistakes. To those with whom there is mutual understanding, and mutual respect. You also have my immeasurable gratitude.

You're all that's keeping me from leaving.

I've remembered the day more often than I expected myself to have. Even though it was a rather detached experience, being there as a guest and strangers to everyone around me. Yet it keeps bobbing up in my head every once in a while, and it distracts me because I don't even know why. I haven't made any effort to get to know anyone from that day, considering the emotional isolation, but I might attribute it to bashfulness and fear of cold shoulders.

The events of that day still elude me, and all the specifics I remember was riding the escalator up in the mall, looking around at the bustling crowd that seemed to be hypnotically suppressed by the hum and the motion, at least for those brief moments, before walking off and dissolving into the rush hour mush.

I've been looking around since that day - looking around my head, unearthing all those memories, and trying albeit in vain to find even more. Yet, nothing so out-of-place has ever found such a comfortable one in my recollections.

And when you take the time out to pen such a thoughtful note and take the steps to resume contact, it really means a lot to me, and just maybe says a little something about why I never forgot that forgettable yet unforgotten day. Small hint that maybe, in this cruel and ironically disconnected world, there are people who remember.

And possibly care.

Even after two and a half years.